How Do I Know I'm A Lesbian?
A compilation of advice, personal anecdotes and resources created by a lesbian who struggled with their sexuality, for struggling lesbians and women & sapphics who are questioning whether they are lesbian.
Preface
Before diving in, there are a few things I want to specify:
For me, the hardest part about realizing and accepting that I was a lesbian was realizing and accepting that I was not attracted to men: figuring out that I was attracted to women was the "easy" part. However, every video or article that I would find answering the "how do I know I'm gay?" (usually meaning sapphic) question didn't help me with parsing out genuine attraction vs. false attraction towards men (aka comphet). So, I decided to compile some helpful resources for other questioning lesbians who have been going through this exact problem.
I am focusing primarily on coercive heteronormativity or "comphet" ("compulsory heterosexuality") as it is often coloquially used by lesbians now. This is different from its original meaning: one which was coined by Adrienne Rich who is a TERF and who I wholeheartedly do not support.
I am speaking from my own experiences and frames of reference, and in no way do I want to speak for lesbians as a whole. These are all things that resonate(d) with me personally and I want to be transparent about that, and about my positionality. I am a 21 year old, Western, white settler living in "Canada"; I am AFAB and was brought up as a girl (but recently realized I am some form of nonbinary, while still feeling a connection with womanhood sometimes); I identified as bisexual for 4 years and queer for one year before realizing I'm a lesbian; I am agnostic and was raised Christian (United Church) but not very religiously. Therefore, this is the perspective I'm writing from and there are a multitude of lesbian experiences that I cannot capture; I hope that at least parts of this can be helpful to someone in some way. If any lesbians reading this have another perspective, feedback or criticism, I welcome it!
I am not trying to "convert" anyone into a lesbian by making this. There is nothing wrong with being any sexual orientation: you are perfect no matter how you identify. But I made this specifically for lesbians because I am a lesbian, and it's something I wish I had while I was questioning. It is to help lesbians struggling with comphet, questioning women and sapphics who may be lesbians. It may even help women and sapphics who aren't lesbians realize they are not lesbian. But the intent of this is ultimately to help lesbians, not to discourage anyone who isn't a lesbian about their sexuality. If it doesn't apply to you, then I don't want you to feel like I am trying to undermine your feelings and experiences because they are so valid as you are. There very well could be a number of reasons why some of this might resonate with you. However, if you feel like a lot of this is resonating with you, then I think it's worth doing some introspection and reflection because that is what ultimately what led me to being open to exploring my identity and ultimately finding comfort in my identity.
I am coming at this from a trans-inclusionary, nonbinary-inclusionary and asexual/aromantic-inclusionary perspective. Trans, nonbinary, asexual, and aromantic lesbians are all just as lesbian as any other lesbian. Lesbianism has always included these identities and this is not something I'm willing to debate someone on.
There is also no place for "bi lesbians", "pan lesbians" or "straight lesbians" here: these are concepts that are both biphobic/panphobic and lesbophobic. So while sexuality can be confusing, people may change labels, and lesbians may genuinely believe at one point or another that we're attracted to men, I want to make it very clear that lesbians' lack of attraction to men is just as important as our attraction to women. Since the idea that we have to be attracted to men is something that some of us struggle with for years, and may struggle with daily, to imply that one can be lesbian and genuinely attracted to men is not only false but is also extremely damaging.
My Social Media
If you have any questions, or if you ever need someone to talk to about your struggles with sexuality and gender, feel free to message me any time on these platforms!
The "Am I A Lesbian?" Masterdoc
If you're questioning whether you're a lesbian, you should definitely start here. The Masterdoc is not without its faults: I want to make that very clear. It's very cis-normative and does not mention how many of its aspects can also be experienced by bi, pan, a-spec and straight women. At the same time, it has helped and continues to help so many lesbians come to terms with ourselves- including me. I hope that this is just a starting point or a guide to your journey of self-reflection and discovery. Please do read it with a critical eye, as it was created years ago and by an average person (not a sexuality expert).
While I think it's so important to stay critical, the "lesbians are trying to convert women" rhetoric which I've seen circulating around the internet about lesbian-specific resources such as the "Am I A Lesbian?" Masterdoc is extremely harmful, demonizing of lesbians and to suggest this is lesbophobic. It's important to acknowledge that lesbians are not trying to convert anyone, and resources such as this carrd are simply to help guide people on their own journeys. Please see the "YouTube videos" section of this carrd for a critical analysis of this document.
Signs You Might be a Lesbian
These are just a few things that I experienced before realizing and accepting that I was actually a lesbian. Most of these are featured in places such as the Masterdoc and surround the idea of false attraction to men and comphet.
You wish you were a lesbian or that you weren’t attracted to men; you "joke" that you're a lesbian... I used to always tweet about how badly I wanted to be a lesbian, and that's a pretty good sign you probably are one.
You have an "I'm not like other girls" — and if you thought you were bisexual, an "I'm not like other bisexuals" — type complex, because you don't understand/can't relate to their "fascination" with or "obsession" over men. This is something I experienced which I thought was internalized biphobia, but it was actually internalized lesbophobia, and biphobia, that I had to unpack and work on.
Your “attraction” to or fantasies about men make you feel gross, upset or uncomfortable... if it makes you feel bad, there's a very good chance this is false attraction.
Your "attraction" to men feels like a joke or something to laugh about/not take seriously; you make jokes about being attracted to unconventional men who you are not actually attracted to... for example, for me it's Guy Fieri.
You only want to date and have sex with women (and nonbinary people)... I didn't want anything romantically or sexually to do with men. The thought of going on dates with men felt like a chore that I couldn't bring myself to do, or dreaded if I did. If you truly despise the thought of men in this way but don't have those same feelings about dating and having sex with women... that's a sign you might be a lesbian experiencing comphet!
You imagine your future with a woman... whenever I thought about having a husband and building my life with a hypothetical man in the future, I was always filled with dread. But the thought of building a life with a woman and having a wife gave me the exact opposite feeling: I felt giddy, excited and warm. Lesbian!
You are more comfortable around women and feel most like yourself around women; conversely, you can relate more to men or you tend to have more friendships with men than women.
You think of yourself as a lesbian and you feel relief, like a puzzle piece is clicking into place, giddiness, at peace, or excited that you could be a lesbian.
You think lesbians are really cool, you want to talk to them a lot, and you want to spend time around lesbians, but you think you're not "cool enough" to be one.
You're very interested in lesbian culture, learning about lesbian history and the lesbian community, and in defending lesbians.
Social Media Posts
There are a handful of posts on social media that really resonated with me and had me reflecting upon my sexuality. I've also been adding more helpful posts since accepting I'm a lesbian. Here are just a few of them.
I would often read tweets like these, which resonated deeply with me when I still thought I was bisexual, only to then find out that the OPs ended up actually being lesbians:
This post in particular really hits the nail on the head when it comes to addressing the "what-if" worries that so many women and potential lesbians have, especially surrounding a hypothetical future attraction to men:
This post perfectly summarizes some key reasons why a lot of lesbians take longer to realize accept that they are, in fact, lesbian:
There are lots of men I find aesthetically attractive and posts like this are a good reminder that recognizing aesthetically pleasing men is not the same as being genuinely romantically and sexually attracted to them:
I'm not a trans woman but I want to acknowledge the experiences of trans women lesbians and how their journeys with comphet and realizing they're lesbians can be much different than those of other lesbians. The following posts are geared specifically to trans women:
This thread addresses some forms of comphet that specifically impact trans women, that are not included in the cisnormative "Am I A Lesbian? Masterdoc":
This thread by @bitterbleue on the various ways people can experience, and reinforce, comphet (click the picture to see more):
Other sources:
Here is another carrd made by @love_sunniva on Twitter that may help you on your journey:
One of my favourite lesbian book accounts @stardustedreads wrote a lovely review of "The Times I Knew I Was Gay" by Eleanor Crewes, both of which I recommend and you can find here: